Thursday, October 29, 2009

Another round of Erbitux

Just had another round and it wipes me out, but I have spent more time out of bed today than in. I really think it is more depression than fatigue from the chemo. I am dealing with it the best that I know how. Tyler has really been a handful lately and I am at the end of my rope. We had a really good night tonight though singing ABC's together and counting. It was really nice. My daughter is at her Karate which has been so good for her during this ordeal. She already tested and will be getting her Yellow belt soon. I am so proud of her. The baby is doing well too and walking up a storm. Watch out me! My kids are what keeps me going and I pray that this cancer will go away and never return every day. I am so thankful for the loving support of my family and friends. Without them I could not endure this. Love you all!

Monday, October 26, 2009

Cycle 7

Cycle 7 was far more difficult than any cycle so far. I'm sure it was due to all the added stress that I have in my life right now. I am trying my best to keep everything together for my kids if nothing else. They are the ones that need me the most right now. I am still struggling to eat and have lost even more weight. It's difficult when everything tastes like cardboard and you have no appetite. I am still trooping along and trying my best to beat this cancer. The numbers for my CEA and CA 19-9 counts went down by 50% this past week, so I am hopeful.

I treated my daughter to her Fall Festival at school with her Uncle this past Friday and they had a blast. I am so glad that she got out to have some fun with her Uncle. The boys are doing well as can be under the circumstances. Tyler still needs some extra help, but is progressing well in school. Logan is my "Chunky Monkey" and I just wish I had his little appetite. That boy will eat anything..even his veggies with happiness. I love them all to pieces. :0)

Thursday, October 15, 2009


Fatigue in a nutshell "sucks"! My biological treatment every Wed seems to wipe me out. I was thankful that hubby was here to give me a much needed 3 hour nap. I still ended up going to bed early and got another 12 hours. I feel much more refreshed today and was able to get up and do more than I have in a while. I caught up on laundry, dishes, and other household stuff. Hubby has been working on a extensive "honey-do" list including taking care of our front yard trees that seem to have gone crazy over the last couple of months that he has been gone.

In exciting baby is finally taking his first steps without holding on to anything. He smiles the whole time and is so proud of himself. :0)

All in all..I am doing the best that I can and trying my best to remain positive.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Chemo Cycle 6

We've reached the halfway pint of my treatment. Each cycle seems to get harder with the side effects. I've been steadily losing weight and am working hard to try and keep my weight at a steady level, but it gets harder as treatment continues. I know that I have to work harder at forcing myself to eat no matter what. The nurse at treatment yesterday gave me an awesome cookbook that gives lots of great tips on what to eat during each side effect. I'm definitely going to put it to good use.

Day 1 went well. The Benedryl always wipes me out, so other than checking out the book..I spent most of the four hours sleeping. It still seemed like we were there forever! Afterwards, I had to stop and get cat food so that the cats don't eat me alive. ;0)

Today is Day 2, so we face 2 hours in the treatment room and another 22 hours with the pump tonight. Tomorrow, we go and get unhooked and head directly to go and finally get my PET scan done. I'm kind of nervous about that. I'll keep everyone posted on the results.

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Still feeling really tired, but I am trying my best to manage. I am finally getting better sleep, but having the strangest dreams. I'm still waking in the middle of the night with my mind working overtime. I really need to find something to direct my attention to more positive things. It is difficult when the kids and I are cooped up in the house all the time.

I saw my PA at the Oncologist's office last week and she did an excellent job of easing a lot of my anxiety and telling me to stop reading and start thinking of myself as an individual. It really helped me to believe that I can beat this even if statistically the odds are against me. There is always the chance that this cancer will go into remission. I have to hold on to that hope.

I went back to my biological treatments on Wed. Hoping this time around that we can keep some of the side-effects in better control. I was exhausted after the treatment from the Benedryl, but
otherwise I was feeling alright.

On Friday, I must have caught some kind of bug because I couldn't even get out of bed. I ended up getting sick three times and was feeling so weak. Pretty pathetic when you have three kids to take care of on your own. That's where the guilt kicks in and you wonder if you are doing the best that you can.

Sadly, after spending the last five years trying to lose those last pounds of "baby" weight, I am now suddenly faced with trying to keep the weight on. I can't afford to lose anymore weight, so I have relented and started to drink Ensure just to get some extra calories. I used to love food..maybe too much. Now, it seems ridiculous to me that I have to force myself to eat the things that I once would have inhaled. I dream of the day when I will enjoy food like that again.

We are now reaching the halfway point of my treatment. Next week will be my 6th Chemo treatment and it seems to get increasingly harder as we go on. I'm battling depression and hate that I am so dependent on others right now. I have cancer, but I want to feel like I am more capable of doing things for myself. Unfortunately, my finances fall short of me being able to feel like I am still alive. With my mom's own poor health, I fee guilty for all that she does for me. I know that she does it out of love for me, but I see the toll that it takes on her and it makes me feel even more guilty. I wish that I was in a better financial position to help myself more.

Anyways, I step off the pity potty and say that I am at least feeling good enough today to actually update my blog, so I guess that is good news. ;0)