Saturday, October 3, 2009

Still feeling really tired, but I am trying my best to manage. I am finally getting better sleep, but having the strangest dreams. I'm still waking in the middle of the night with my mind working overtime. I really need to find something to direct my attention to more positive things. It is difficult when the kids and I are cooped up in the house all the time.

I saw my PA at the Oncologist's office last week and she did an excellent job of easing a lot of my anxiety and telling me to stop reading and start thinking of myself as an individual. It really helped me to believe that I can beat this even if statistically the odds are against me. There is always the chance that this cancer will go into remission. I have to hold on to that hope.

I went back to my biological treatments on Wed. Hoping this time around that we can keep some of the side-effects in better control. I was exhausted after the treatment from the Benedryl, but
otherwise I was feeling alright.

On Friday, I must have caught some kind of bug because I couldn't even get out of bed. I ended up getting sick three times and was feeling so weak. Pretty pathetic when you have three kids to take care of on your own. That's where the guilt kicks in and you wonder if you are doing the best that you can.

Sadly, after spending the last five years trying to lose those last pounds of "baby" weight, I am now suddenly faced with trying to keep the weight on. I can't afford to lose anymore weight, so I have relented and started to drink Ensure just to get some extra calories. I used to love food..maybe too much. Now, it seems ridiculous to me that I have to force myself to eat the things that I once would have inhaled. I dream of the day when I will enjoy food like that again.

We are now reaching the halfway point of my treatment. Next week will be my 6th Chemo treatment and it seems to get increasingly harder as we go on. I'm battling depression and hate that I am so dependent on others right now. I have cancer, but I want to feel like I am more capable of doing things for myself. Unfortunately, my finances fall short of me being able to feel like I am still alive. With my mom's own poor health, I fee guilty for all that she does for me. I know that she does it out of love for me, but I see the toll that it takes on her and it makes me feel even more guilty. I wish that I was in a better financial position to help myself more.

Anyways, I step off the pity potty and say that I am at least feeling good enough today to actually update my blog, so I guess that is good news. ;0)


  1. You ARE doing the best you can! I know it's tough to see the positive right now, but let's look at some good things:

    - You have family and friends that love you and want to help you through this journey. All you have to do is ASK and don't even think about it as being "dependent!" Think of it as one caring person giving of themselves to another because they want to!

    - You have three beautiful children that love you to death and even though they don't understand the entirety of the situation, mama being sick is OK! Snuggle, read books, draw pictures to give to daddy while he's on the road. Make the most of every moment that you feel good and up to it, because that's what is really important to them.

    - You have a wonderful, supportive and adoring husband that is busting his butt to do whatever he can to provide for his family. Admirable if you ask me. Not necessarily the best case scenario, but it's temporary sis and you need to think of it as such. It's not going to last forever. Bump in the road... a slightly larger bump, but bump none the less!

    - The holidays are coming, we are going to be together and we're going to have an awesome time. Something to start planning for and look forward to!

    I can't tell you how sad I am to read this and how much I want to just be there to give you a great big hug. But I know your strength. I've seen it time and time again. Trust in it, draw from it. You're halfway there... home stretch is in sight... keep up the pace... visualize the finish line and how sweet the victory will be. Dig deep. We'll be there all the way, cheering you on, picking you up if we need to and ready to lift you onto our shoulders at the end in celebration.

    You can do it. I believe in you. We all believe in you. And we love you and are praying for you. Every night your nephew says a special prayer that Auntie Vicki will be feel better, healthy and well real soon. And you will!


  2. Wow ~ I completely agree with everything Lori said above! I was all prepared to write a big comment as I read your post, but, she says everything so beautifully.

    VickI - you are on the home stretch and you are awesome! It's all downhill from here and it's all 1/2 way gone. You need to read fun books (maybe a trip the the library is in order with the kiddos) and not all the statistical medical stuff. Statics lie!

    I LOVE you - be sure to remember that there are tons of people who do.

    Sending big hugs, kisses, sunshine and smiles your way!