I saw my PA at the Oncologist's office last week and she did an excellent job of easing a lot of my anxiety and telling me to stop reading and start thinking of myself as an individual. It really helped me to believe that I can beat this even if statistically the odds are against me. There is always the chance that this cancer will go into remission. I have to hold on to that hope.
I went back to my biological treatments on Wed. Hoping this time around that we can keep some of the side-effects in better control. I was exhausted after the treatment from the Benedryl, but
otherwise I was feeling alright.
On Friday, I must have caught some kind of bug because I couldn't even get out of bed. I ended up getting sick three times and was feeling so weak. Pretty pathetic when you have three kids to take care of on your own. That's where the guilt kicks in and you wonder if you are doing the best that you can.
Sadly, after spending the last five years trying to lose those last pounds of "baby" weight, I am now suddenly faced with trying to keep the weight on. I can't afford to lose anymore weight, so I have relented and started to drink Ensure just to get some extra calories. I used to love food..maybe too much. Now, it seems ridiculous to me that I have to force myself to eat the things that I once would have inhaled. I dream of the day when I will enjoy food like that again.
We are now reaching the halfway point of my treatment. Next week will be my 6th Chemo treatment and it seems to get increasingly harder as we go on. I'm battling depression and hate that I am so dependent on others right now. I have cancer, but I want to feel like I am more capable of doing things for myself. Unfortunately, my finances fall short of me being able to feel like I am still alive. With my mom's own poor health, I fee guilty for all that she does for me. I know that she does it out of love for me, but I see the toll that it takes on her and it makes me feel even more guilty. I wish that I was in a better financial position to help myself more.
Anyways, I step off the pity potty and say that I am at least feeling good enough today to actually update my blog, so I guess that is good news. ;0)